i feel different

i have changed. plainly. easily


weeks ago my roomie sent me a personality test set up by a famous Chinese writer/tv baldie personality. Well you can check it out its entirety in Chinese here. the basis of it is you belong to either of the four colours red, yellow, blue and green with different character profiles to match. of course you know how these tests go... how possibly accurate can they be and how can you even start to sort 7 billion people into four distinct groups?





well hey anyway here's my result. i came up with a red-blue personality... for tldr or too chinese; didn't read, red-blue presence in a single personality is nought possible - it translates into a confused personality which requires much Digging for the Truth

/

if i can be honest by myself
and compare the way i feel before and now
there is a plain difference, of

less fear (idek)

more feel. when emotions and feelings were pure, clear and 100%. everything is straight-out fresh. i have an allegory for this. you know when you taste something REAL good for the first time and you try to seek that feeling again except that when you head back it's only 80%... almost like drugs (never tried but yknow) and i'm afraid that it will only be this way here on out. erosion of my core and such

less efficient. i suddenly realise as we grow older we don't necessarily grow wiser, maybe just more efficient - cutting out on waiting time, planning in advance, doing things the 'smart' adult way

idek what this is... just a blabber of my consciousness?



self awareness is painful ///////////

i just feel like at 24 i should have done something, or be doing something of substance

i also realise how i have complicated myself. through thinking. being so careful. i hate the way i am now. thinking in advance. i just need to be constantly drunk

ok im thinking. this all probably stems from all the failures i've been/had, mistakes i've made. how do i reconcile my past and now?

all these irreconcilable differences are SOLELY within myself

idk man am i on a arbitrary path to destruction?

fuck time. fuck growing up


fuck life