Tragedy Strikes

I can't take in anything anymore.
My brain is gonna burst
With all these information
All these shit
All these nonsense
Which don't stop coming.

I must never forget anything
Cause it'll be a tragedy.
I don't want that to happen.
I'm going to die soon.

Sigh Sigh Sigh

It's so bad right now,
When's my holiday?
All gone.
I'd rather go back to work.
And earn money.
And not sit in the class
With those fucking idiots.

I don't trust anyone.
Not anymore.
That's why
I'm pushing everything to myself.

They say it's
All backstabbing.
No real friends.
Only fakers.
For show.

There's no one there
Whom i can relate to.
I'm all alone.
I need time.
But I'm running out of time.

Please don't leave me, my friend.
Friends for life, baby.

I Love Gold

I love gold.
I love jade.
I love anything old.
That reminds me of the past.
I'm gonna take out the first pair of earrings i ever had.
Which my mother got for me when I was six.
Gold.
And wear them.
I love gold.

I Need A Break

Why does time pass so slowly when you are suffering in silence for every second of it?
Why do happy times fly by so quickly?
When's my holiday gonna come?
I need a break.
Seriously.
Or I'm gonna break.

Sigh Sigh.

It's hard to survive
Nobody cares about you.
Everyone's selfish
Sometimes I wonder if
It would be the same
If I were in some other place.

I won't stoop to your level
Licking their boots
To get into their favour
I'm frank
Sometimes too frank
That I've hurt your feelings
But I'm glad
I've said what i wanna say.
And I'm proud of it.

At most I'd have no friends.
But I have you guys.
And that's enough.
You not only my friends.
You're my family
Part of my life.
Thank you guys.

Sigh.

I cant stop.
I can't help feeling negative
At this stage of life.
About all these around me.
About school.
About friends.

Grow Up

You.
Why are you agreeing with everything they say?
Do you wanna be part of the popular league too?
Do you wish to be accepted?
You are so desperate
Making all that effort
To get in
To join them all.

All you say is "yes", "yah"
And all those bullshit
Those unconstructive comments.

But I've got to tell you
I'm gonna hurt you by saying this
You aren't going any closer.
You're just afraid
Of being lonely and left out.

You are a waste of human flesh.
Grow up, kid.

I Know

I know that you don't like me
Yeah I can tell.
You started from being generous
To answering for the sake
Of presenting yourself as friendly.
You don't want to let others think
That you're impolite
Do you?

I know.
I know all about it.
It's so obvious.
Doesn't matter.
I'm starting to hate you too.
Long before you did.

I hate the way you talk
Like you are running out of breath.
Purposely making it sound hoarse and graspy.
I don't even know why
You're doing that.

Stop behaving like you are an angmoh kid
Like you are so pro in everything
Everything and anything
When you always get the facts all wrong
You get chastised by the lecturer.
And that's when you start complaining
And pitying yourself
As the one the lecturer is biased to.
And blaming it all on her.

Ha.
What a poor fashion sense you have.
Wearing stripes with stripes
Wearing a long skirt on your short stumpy legs.
At least i don't do that.

You think you're great.
You wanna teach people stuff
But you're a fucking bitch
Who knows nothing
And you're almost late for class everyday.

Don't blame me
For doing this
Cause I say what i think.
Don't force me
To hate you even more.

Sorry, Thank You.

Sorry to those that I've hurt.
Sorry to those I've neglected.
Sorry.

Thank you to those who've forgiven me for hurting you.
Thank you to those who've forgiven me for neglecting you.
Thank you.


Disclaimer:
The above is only dedicated to a few people in the world I love and can't live without. Not the others.

Stupid Girl

You dress up like a slut.
You talk like a slut.
You move like a slut.
Stupid Ah Lian.

You borrow my paper
Borrow my notes
Borrow my needles
You take them all.
And I don't get them back.
You stupid girl.

I don't give a damn.
I'm not afraid
To let you see my unpleasant look
Only directed at you.
You stupid bitch.

Now you got your desserts.
You stupid girl.

Those Kind Of Girl

She's those kind of girl
A pretty face
And it makes your world.
Silky long hair
You love it so much.
Sweet lil' voice
And lips so moist.

You wanna participate in everything
Every conversation, every event.
Now you're part of the popular league
I know you love it.
Don't you?

You love the attention.
You will get it
When you're wearing
Your billowy and flowy skirt
With sneakers.

You guys
Don't you love her so much?

I hate her.
I hate your voice.
I hate your looks.
I hate your gestures.
I hate the way you move.

You better get lost
From my sight
You fucking bitch.

It's Okay

Here I am
At the supermarket
I feel like grabbing one
Of those cans
Sitting there on the rack.

I know
I can't possibly
Drown my sorrows.
It's just temporary.

But that's the only way to escape
It's the only thing
I could get in my capacity.

Or do you
Expect me to hide
Behind the facade
Or listen and bide?

It's okay
If you don't understand me.
I can't force you to.
I will find my own way out.

I Can't

This is
A rough patch.
But i must get out
I can't stay this way forever
Stuck here forever
Or i'm gonna sink deeper.

I'm not myself.
I can only be so
When i'm at home
And when i'm with you guys.
Not with that bunch.

Deep down inside
I really hope
That I can mingle
With you people
But I can't.

I tried to.
Sorry.
I can't do it.
There's nothing i could do about it.

Life's so hard
It's so hard to live.

Gummy Days

Today is a Sunday. Let's talk about what happened yesterday.


12 May 2007, Saturday

Today's aim is to shop for fabrics. So firstly, we took the train to Little India, and walked to Arab Street. Along the way we passed by Tekka Market and Tekka Mall. I went for face-threading. First Time. Reached Arab after much perspiration. Went around in circles and found what i wanted.

We had a tough time searching for Haji Lane, when it was right beside us. We settled for lunch at a Mediterranean/Indian/Mexican restaurant. Doesn't taste well. There's a weird taste.

Then we went shopping at Haji Lane. The clothes and accessories are mostly for women in their twenties, so we didn't buy anything.

Next stop, to Chinatown. Nicky bought her woven bag, and we made our way home. It was about 6.30pm. We took the train at the Chinatown station. One man came in after us. Nicky was seated near the glass pane, and i was seated next to her, and there was an empty seat next to me. I saw the man walking around unintentionally. I was focused on my handphone and we were focused on taking photos with our handphones, so i didn't notice him much. The man sat down next to me at the next stop. He started babbling about "Why you live in Sengkang" and a lot of stuff. I simply thought he was talking on the phone.

We continued taking photos, and the worst happened. He started to ask us "What kind of reationship are you?" and he kept repeating that question. I just ignored him as if he were transparent. He then bent down and looked in our direction, chanting and chanting more and more. I still turned around to look at him a few times haha. Then he started to churn out more shit. "Why are you all dressed the same?" "Couple wear ah?" "Why don't answer my qusetion? Dumd ah?" He spoke in a mixture of English and Mandarin and a lil bit of Hokkien. "Is it something happen to your parents? You all have the(pointing to the sleeve) paste here ah?[I think he actually means the "cloth" people wear when their kin has passed away." Damn I was damn damn damn pissed off with him. But I did not respond. Cause he's mad. Who knows what he'll do. I'm not afraid of physical punches or anything; I was just afraid that he has a knife. After all, he's mad. And he continued blabbing about the same thing over and over again. Then Nicky was telling me to get off at the next stop, and the madman suddenly struck out a fist in front of me at Nicky, saying "You don't speak Hokkien! This is threaten you. I tell you. You speak some more Hokkien I beat you!" when all the while she was speaking English. Oh my god. This man must have gotten through some trauma.

Finally we reached Kovan (Nicky was meeting her family for dinner) and i waited for the next train. I went crazy once I got out of the train. Oh my goodness. Then Nicky wondered if I would meet him at Sengkang, cause he mentioned "Sengkang". Oops.

Ok nothing happened after that. I reached home safely. Told my papa mama about it. Then did I realise we should have gotten out of our seats earlier as my papa said. Haha. And not get saliva all over half side of my face.

Woah. What a day. A "Heritage Tour" and "An Encounter With a Spit-spitting Monster".

Dead tired.


13 May 2007, Sunday

Today is Mothers' Day. I'm still working on my project. We'll be going for the celebration later after I've completed my project.

Sigh. I wish Monday doesn't come so quickly.

Let Me

I can't get out of this shit.
I don't believe.
I wanna let it go.
But no
I don't trust myself.
I can't do it.

Let me drift
Let me sink
Let me drown
In my own sorrows.

Let me go on my own
Breathe
Get out of this place.
Let me live.

Yeah
Please.

Too Much

Perhaps it's too much
At one time.
It just doesn't come alone
No i don't whine.

Perhaps
Maybe
It's too much of an accumulation
Such that it is overwhelming
Leaving me no space to breathe.

Why am I
The only one
Going through this shit
When others aren't?

They are happy
I think
They are united
I believe.

It's all weighing me down.
I'm sinking in
Into the deep abyss.
No one can help me.
And i don't wanna save myself.

So What?

I wonder why
They're acting like this
They really hate her
Don't they?

So what if she's a superstar?
So what if she's a big deal?
Are you intimidated?
Are you jealous?

Stop criticising people
When you aren't that great yourself.
Look in the mirror
Look at your own self.

Maybe you're just jealous
You don't have what she has.
You can't have everything you want
You know.
Blame yourself for it
You green-eyed demon.

Them

What will they do
When they find out who I really am?
How will they think
If they find out it's all a pretence
All along?
I wanna know.

Will they really
See through me?
No i won't let them
I'm not really free.

I should be
Gathering with them for lunch.
I should be
Speaking up in group discussions
With the whole
But I don't.
And i won't.

I wonder so much
If things will get better.
It doesn't matter much anyway
Cause I don't really bother.

I gonna sleep on it
And hope it would be forgotten.
All erased
From my lethargic mind.

Wait

It takes nothing
To trigger it.
It won't stop
And I shall wait.

I will wait
I will see.

It's a damn big hurdle.
I hope I can jump over it.
I do so.
I will wait and see.
Things will meet
A conclusion
I guess.

Anything

Anything
All the little things
We do together.
Those little winks.
So insignificant
Yet so timeless.

I love all of you.
T, M, A.
My classmates
My schoolmates.
Thank you.